Gentle parenting: is it right for your family?

It's a parenting style that seriously divides opinion (if you haven't seen the viral TikTok video on the subject about the difference between Millennial and Baby Boomer parenting check it out here) and has recently been the subject of much debate as to how successful it is and how it affects both the children and parents.

Whether you're pregnant and considering adopting the method from the off, want to incorporate some of its four pillars into your current parenting style or are simply intrigued as to whether it works or not, our guide below will help you learn everything you need to about gentle parenting and whether it's right for your family.

What is gentle parenting?

Gentle parenting (also known as positive parenting or conscious parenting) is a parenting style favoured by millennial mums and dads who want to help their children learn to take responsibility for themselves and teach them emotional independence from an early age.

Well-known parenting expert Sarah Ockwell-Smith, who is often credited as founding the gentle parenting movement, says the parenting style can be summed up in just four words: empathy, respect, understanding and boundaries. It's a way of parenting that always has your child's feelings in mind, shows them respect, shows understanding and introduces boundaries and rules that are stuck to consistently.

Instead of the parent taking charge of the child, gentle parenting is seen as more of a partnership between the parent and child, with the parent modelling good behaviour and then giving their child some freedom to learn and make the right choices.

As the name suggests gentle parenting is all about remaining calm as a parent and not ruling your children with a firm hand or issuing punishments. Instead, parents who use this approach prefer to use communication and strong connections to make decisions collaboratively about the correct way to behave.

Understanding the core principles of gentle parenting

Gentle parenting is easy to learn and incorporate into your life (although often much harder to maintain!) because it revolves around four simple pillars:

1. Empathy – being mindful of how your child feels and what their needs are, especially when they're misbehaving
2. Respect – teaching your child mutual respect, by treating them as you'd like to be treated, and respecting their needs, individual likes and personality traits
3. Understanding – remembering that a child is a child and that you can only expect certain things of them based on what is appropriate for their age
4. Boundaries – setting boundaries that your child understands and knows are in place for their safety and security, and always being consistent with these particular rules

While applying each of these pillars to their parenting style, gentle parents should also keep the three Cs constantly in mind: Connection, Communication and Consistency.

Examples of ways that you can incorporate gentle parenting into family life include:

• Modelling kind and gentle behaviour to other adults, children and yourself.
• Commenting on your child's actions rather than their personality. A gentle parent understands that mistakes happen and emotions can run high but that that doesn't define their child as a "bad person" or "naughty".
• Changing commands into collaborative statements. Instead of telling your child to do something like "get dressed", the gentle parenting approach would encourage working together to get the job done for a specific reason. For example: "Shall we get dressed now so we can go outside and play?".
• Focussing on positives rather than negatives. Gentle parents try to reduce the number of times they simply say "no" to something in favour of explaining why something isn't possible or reframing it in a more positive light. Instead of saying "no" to buying a toy in a gift shop, a gentle parent might say "I can see you love that toy and would really like it. Why don't we go home and add it to your Christmas list?"
• Let your child have tantrums. Instead of trying anything to placate your child and stop the tantrum, let it run its course. It's an important learning lesson for children to go through the "tantrum tunnel". Once the tantrum subsides you can discuss what happened, how your child was feeling and what can be done in future to avoid another one. Of course, in dangerous situations you need to immediately remove your child from the danger and discuss the situation later in a calmer and safer place.

Benefits of gentle parenting for children and parents

There are many benefits to gentle parenting for both parent and child. For starters, it can be a much more enjoyable parenting experience that reduces the amount of shouting and disciplining needed and therefore any subsequent feelings of guilt or regret. Because a gentle parent is likely to be a happier parent, their children will also feel happy, have more self-worth and self-esteem and feel safer sharing any problems with their parents. The bond between a gentle parent and their child is likely to be much closer and stronger than between an authoritarian parent and child.

There have been a number of studies on the pros of parenting including one that found gentle parenting helped shy children regulate their responses in social situations and therefore reduced anxiety¹. Another study shows that without gentle and positive parenting at the very start of a child's life, they are less likely to grow up to become happy, independent and resilient adults.²

Other benefits that have been reported from a more collaborative and gentle parenting style include children: learning empathy and kindness from an early age, doing the right thing because they want to not because they fear punishment or want a reward, being more independent and resourceful, and performing better at school.

There are also plenty of health benefits to gentle parenting including children being less likely to: be obese, develop an eating disorder, smoke, keep secrets, be violent, take drugs and have psychological disorders.

Common challenges in practising gentle parenting

It all sounds perfectly idyllic – happy parents, happy children and one big happy family. Well, we all know in reality parenting isn't as simple as just sticking to four pillars and remaining calm, and as with everything to do with raising children, there are challenges. The most common challenge with the gentle parenting method is that it's time-consuming, hard work and requires a lot of effort to stick to and maintain consistency. Coupled with this is the need to teach yourself very quickly to regulate your own emotions and to constantly think about the behaviour you're modelling for your children.

Other challenges with this parenting style are that it can be seen as permissive and lacking in structure and discipline which can lead to bad behaviour and difficulty for children who respond better to strict boundaries and rules. It can also put a lot of pressure on parents who are attempting to adopt a parenting style that they didn't grow up with, doesn't feel natural to them and has become idealised on social media leading to feelings of guilt and failure.

Another difficulty with gentle parenting is knowing how to respond to challenging behaviour if your child doesn't engage with the method and your attempts to let them "make the right choice" and continue to mess around or misbehave. Some children may not respond well to a gentle approach and might need more direction and leadership when it comes to learning positive behaviour.

Is gentle parenting right for your family?

Every family is different with a mixture of personalities, dynamics, schedules and values, so gentle parenting is a method that may not work for everyone. There are a number of factors you may want to consider before you adopt this parenting style including:

• Do you have time? Gentle parenting is time-consuming and requires a lot of effort. If you are a family of two working parents with a busy schedule and little time on your hands, gentle parenting may not be the right choice for you.
• Will you find it stressful? Gentle parenting can set unrealistic expectations for parents and may result in feelings of failure or not being good enough. If you struggle with parenting guilt and anxiety trying to parent gently could exacerbate these feelings.
• Do you have the right personality? Adopting a parenting style that doesn't fit your personality can be exhausting and end with you feeling like you're acting or being insincere.
• Is your child the right personality? Some children need more discipline and stronger boundaries than others. A child who naturally pushes boundaries might not respond well to the method and you may need to do more research before adopting it if you have a neurodivergent child.
• Are both parents on board? If you're a two-parent family, are you both in agreement on your parenting style? Consistency is key to gentle parenting and both parents need to be on the same page for it to be effective.

References:

^{1. Parental gentle encouragement promotes shy toddlers’ regulation in social contexts, Jessica Stoltzfus Grady, Journal of Experimental Child psychology, October 2019}

^{2. The importance of early bonding on the long-term mental health and resilience of children, Winston R, Chicot R, London J Prim Care (Abingdon). February 2016}

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