How to help your children make friends at school
Worried your child isn't making friends at their new school and they'll start to hate going in? Here are some tips for helping primary and secondary age children get off to a sociable start at the beginning of the academic year and form friendships that'll last a lifetime (or at least until the summer holidays!)
Starting school for the first time, moving up to secondary school or changing schools partway through the year can be stressful for all types of children, but especially ones with shy natures or children who struggle in social situations.
One of the main worries for parents when it comes to starting school isn't fitting in the school run or keeping up with endless school emails, but whether their child will settle in and be happy. Unfortunately, building real friendships is one area of life that parents can't do for their kids, however much they want to. So, what exactly do you do if you notice your child is lonely, sad and being left out after a few weeks at school?
We spoke to Chartered Psychologist Dr Mark Rackley to find out what you can do to prepare your child for socialising at school, how to encourage happy friendships once they're there and what to do if they're still struggling to make connections. Don't worry, none of these involve bribing other kids with sweets or hosting play dates every evening of the week, but instead are brilliant skills that will set your son or daughter up for a life full of friendships and happy sociable experiences.
Get to know your child's social side
"We are all wired to be social creatures and connect to other people," says Dr Mark. "However, individual differences, personality, family, culture, religion and the environment we are raised in can impact how we make friends. Some children may also have neurodiversity and this can impact that too. A parent should really get to know their child and how they are socially. They can then assist and support the child to navigate making friends.
"It's important to ask your child how they feel when they are in social situations. What do they find easy, difficult, what are their fears? Understanding this can help you target the challenges that your child has around social situations. You can then help your child prepare to face these challenges and let them use you as support to do so. A shy child does not necessarily find social situations hard, they just need more time to feel comfortable and connect socially."
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Give them the confidence to be themselves
"Children are curious, adventurous and playful little people," says Dr Mark. "Making friends actually comes easier to children than adults, as they have no social filter and are more in the moment. Encourage your child to be themselves and help them feel secure in who they are. This confidence can then help them socially.
"Help them to see that they will not necessarily click with every child and every child will not click with them. This helps them navigate the reality that not everyone we meet will become a friend – and that is okay – but some people we meet will."
Don't project your own experiences or ideas of 'normal' friendships onto your child
"It's important that parents don't project their fears onto the child or compare the child to other children. Unless the child is in distress about a lack of friends, then there is no concern.
"It's also important not to generalise when it comes to mastering social skills. All children develop at different rates and stages in their life. Social skills are learned and it's the role of the parent to understand their child and support them in developing social skills. No two children are the same, so there can't be a one-size-fits-all approach, it needs to be tailored to each individual child.
"Even if a child struggles to make connections early on in life, it does not mean that they will struggle later on in life. As adults, we have a further developed brain, which is a huge help in navigating the world and we can learn ways of socialising that may have been missing when we were children."
Help them find solutions and offer support if they're struggling socially
"It's important to have open and honest communication with your child to find out what the problem is," says Dr Mark. "You can also think about play dates after school to help build friendships. Reassure your child that you are there to support them and are working towards a solution. Build a support team around them so they feel safe and this will help ease their distress."
Speak to your child's school
"Dealing with a child who is struggling socially at school is something that schools handle all the time," says Dr Mark. "The parent can approach the school with their concerns and they can collaboratively come up with a plan to address the issue. This will involve what the school can do whilst the child is in school and what the parents can do at home. Working together this way, can produce good results for the child."
Practical ways you can help your child make friends
- Start helping them to socialise from an early age – take your child to classes and meet up with other parents with kids of the same age. If your child goes to nursery or a playgroup this is another excellent place for them to start socialising.
- Encourage empathy – urge everyone in the family to treat each other with kindness and compassion. As hard as it may be, try not to argue in front of your children or snap when you're tired as they will be watching and learning these interactions from you.
- Be a good role model – show your child how to apologise when they've made a mistake or hurt another's feelings. Also let them see you interacting positively with strangers on a daily basis by talking to people in shops, thanking people who hold the door open etc.
- Let them practise on their siblings or other kids – try not to hover or always intervene in sibling quarrels or when your child has a friend round. It's important to let young children work out their differences and problems together.
- Talk to them about their feelings – ask your child about their day, who they spoke to, how they felt. Be positive about any interactions they may have had that made them feel good.
- Praise good interactions with others – if you see your child sharing, playing nicely or socialising with new people, tell them how proud you are and praise them.
- Come up with friend-making strategies together – if your child seems to be stuggling to make friends don't just act without talking to them. Involve them in the process, ask if they'd like to invite someone over to play or whether they'd like to do a certain club after school.
About our expert
Dr Mark Rackley qualified as a counselling psychologist from Trinity College in Dublin, Ireland. He worked with secondary school and university students, before joining the Health Service Executive (HSE) helping young people addicted to drugs and also adult survivors of childhood trauma.
He has also worked for over six years for the NHS in London treating adults with various mental health difficulties and now works in private practice in London. Dr Mark consults and comments on psychological matters for magazines and on radio and television and is affiliated with the British Psychological Society and Health and Care Professions Council.
You can listen to Dr Mark's podcast on mental health, covering a wide range of topics, here.
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