How to avoid pampering your child

Clinical psychologist Dr Maggie Mamen, author of The Pampered Child Syndrome, believes giving your child everything or doing everything for her deprives her of learning important messages that will stay with her for life.

“Parents who insist on being their child’s sole resource are unwittingly contributing to a sense of ‘learned helplessness’ in their children,” says Dr Mamen. She believes that by the time a child is 1, she needs to be able to separate healthily from her parents. This means she should sleep alone, be able to soothe herself, explore her environment, experience disappointment, learn to wait for things and begin to develop problem-solving strategies, building a foundation for later life.

How you can spot the signs that you're over-pampering your child

Some pampering is OK – after all, we all like to be pampered. The danger signs are if your child starts to demand what started out as a privilege – in other words, she begins to see it as her ‘right’. According to Dr Mamen, warning bells should ring if you start hearing yourself say, “I have to read her five stories before she goes to sleep,” or “I had to buy her sweets because she was making such a fuss,” or “I know I shouldn’t but…”

Three mums are concerned that they’ve seen some danger signs, so we asked Dr Mamen to share her advice…

Can bribery lead to bad behaviour?

“I’m at home with the children full-time and I love it, but I use bribery with Ruby to get things done. Sometimes I hear myself bribing her with sweets, even though I know I shouldn’t, because it works quickly and effectively. For example, when I’m getting Maisie ready for school and she’s taking too long I’ll say, ‘If you help mummy by getting ready quickly you can have some sweets out of the tin.’ It works because Ruby knows that if I say something then I’ll definitely follow through. She calls it a ‘mummy promise’.”

Jen, 34, mum to Gaby, 17 months, and Ruby, 4

Dr Mamen says:

The good thing about a 4 year old is that she is often just as easily pleased with a sticker on a calendar or a happy face drawn on the back of her hand as some sweets. Tokens like these don’t rot teeth, but still give a young child something tangible to show her you’ve noticed her cooperation. Try accompanying whatever token is given with a genuine, ‘Thanks, great job!’ or ‘Good girl!’ That way the token can be faded out, and your verbal praise takes on additional value. Problems could arise when Maisie starts to demand sweets before she’s willing to do anything, so it’s important to phase them out gradually.

Is it a mistake to charm them into behaving themselves?

“When I get back from working (which I do full-time) I want positive, happy times with the children. We all look forward to the 90 minutes we get together before bedtime but expectations are high on both sides so if things go wrong, such as one of them misbehaving, I often find myself appeasing them in order to create a happy atmosphere, rather than dealing with the bad behaviour. I’m not a naturally authoritative person, but I wonder if I could be storing up problems for the future by using what works for me in adult life – charm, humour and diplomacy.”

Pauline, 44, mum to Sida, 9, Charles, 6, and Yoni, 4

Dr Mamen says:

Attempts to keep children happy all the time are doomed. But there is a difference between ‘authoritative’ and ‘authoritarian’ parenting. Authoritarian parenting is cold and Victorian, whereas authoritative parents have expectations, set limits and parent with warmth and affection. But stick with charm, humour and diplomacy – parenting without these would be dire!

How much should I expect my children to help?

“I don’t want the children to miss out just because I am working. The house can get quite messy as I feel that weekends are for being with the children, not cleaning the house. I know they should help, though, even the twins. But when I ask it feels like I’m nagging. It’s hard for me to get anything done as the children are constantly asking me to do things and wanting my attention. In the past, it’s sometimes taken as many as five attempts at loading the washing machine before it finally gets done. Other times, I put off preparing dinner and play a game with the kids instead – then everything gets delayed.”

Amy, 44, mum to Rachel, 10, Tamara, 7 and twins Mark and David, 4

Dr Mamen says:

It’s really important that you don’t ‘give in’. This is the ultimate statement of a reactive parent. Putting life aside to be with the children is a fairly recent phenomenon that isn’t healthy. Let them learn to be part of the real world.